By Leah Pardee
My message to the world is that happiness isn’t found in pursuit of our dreams. You won’t get that next promotion, became a top podcaster, or quit your 9-5 and suddenly become happy. Happy doesn’t come from social status, wealth, or becoming somebody.
I learned this the hard way.
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be famous. I dreamt of my face on the Seventeen magazines I so loved to read as a teenager. I dreamt of Hollywood, glamour, riches. I wanted to be seen and validated, by as many people as possible.
Last year, my husband Alex and I were on a little vacation in Charleston, South Carolina. The quintessential charming Southern town, this was supposed to be a chance to relax. But I had so much trouble with that part.
As soon as we arrived, we began hearing that the popular Netflix series Outer Banks was being shot in town. Alex and I had seen the show and enjoyed it. Turns out, despite the name and the fact that it’s about the Outer Banks of North Carolina, it’s actually filmed in Charleston.
Our first night there, we ate tacos on a rooftop by the beach. Towards the end of our meal, we noticed just down the street was a big blacked out van and what appeared to be a film crew. They were walking down towards another restaurant carrying equipment.
Something inside of me was growing as we watched this all happening. I wanted to go see what the filming of this TV series looked like. Alex and I walked over, down towards the restaurant, and eventually out to the beach it overlooked.
We could tell they were about to film a scene on a rooftop bar, but we didn’t see any of the actors. Nothing exciting. Nothing.
For some reason, that “something” inside of me was growing and growing. I was getting angry. As we kicked off our sandals and went for a beach walk, I tried to express what was happening inside. “I want to be in the show. I should be on TV. I’d be a great actor, with all my experience in sales and reading scripts. Why can’t I be a star??”
Luckily, Alex somehow knows exactly how to handle my melodramatic outbursts. He simply doesn’t entertain them. He listens, but isn’t reactive.
I was becoming even angrier, because I couldn’t understand why I was so angry in the first place. I teach meditation and mindfulness. I know better than to entertain the thoughts in my head when they get ridiculous like this. Why is this taking over me?
Of course, I resisted doing what I knew deep down would help. Taking deep conscious breaths. Mindful awareness. But the Ego resists it, and it was fully in charge of me at this point.
Except I didn’t understand that part of it. I knew I was reacting negatively to something that shouldn’t make me this upset. I knew it actually wasn’t a big deal at all. But I didn’t know the name of what was happening: The Ego.
Funny thing is, I had learned extensively about the Ego to this point. But what I had learned focused on breaking down negative beliefs about oneself. Limiting beliefs. It was as if most of the lessons I learned about Ego were actually inflating my Ego. As I learned to let go of insecurities and negative beliefs about myself, I was becoming more and more…confident. But not in a good way.
I had worked my way up to becoming a top podcaster. I had left my 9-5 job to become a digital CEO of my own company. What couldn’t I do?
That started to become the narration of my life. The problem is….that’s very much Ego!
It should have been obvious. But the Ego does not want to be found out. So here I was, attempting to build confidence in myself so that I could achieve my own dreams.
But I ended up becoming almost too convinced of my own power. So much so that my Ego now had me pissed off on the first day of my vacation because I wasn’t a TV star.
The only thing that helped me come down from this, was remembering that I don’t actually want to have a job like that. I love my freedom. Being on a TV show requires not only reporting to a boss, but also working extremely long hours. Not to mention I wouldn’t be working towards my purpose, at least not on a show like that.
So why is it that we constantly crave the lives that others have? Why do we get so wrapped up in wanting the Hollywood lifestyle? The glamour, the fame, the wealth. Do we even take the time to consider why we wish we were a Kardashian?
That’s the problem. We don’t. We’re just so programmed to think we need all these excess things. Subliminal messaging, advertising, and consumerism trains us from such a young age. We’re conditioned to think everyone else has a better life than us. No matter how incredible life gets, as long as the Ego is in charge, there is never enough of anything.
As we walked on the beach, I considered that even if I had a role on the TV show, I would be absolutely miserable unless I was the star. That was the competitive side of me. The side that was revered in the Sales Department I had spent my prior career in. The part of me that was constantly fed with rewards and recognition, until it grew to an incredibly grandiose size.
That toxic part that didn’t feel so toxic. After all, I was trying to win at this game of life, wasn’t I? It’s me against the world, right?
Wrong. So, so wrong. It took the third spiritual awakening period of my life for me to understand this. After a few months of deepening my meditation practice, and incorporating mindfulness so much that it became my way of life, I began to see.
By dropping that competitive side of me, the one that was out for fame and fortune, I could connect with what was actually meaningful in life. I connected with what would actually make me happy. And that was oneness.
Connecting spiritually to all that is. Seeing past my own Ego, and seeing past the Ego in others. Loving others instead of competing and comparing.
Enjoying each little day of this life.
From my soul to yours,
Leah Pardee
Spiritual Mentor
Host of the Top 200 Candid Confidence Podcast