I actually believed he was marrying me for my looks. And I was okay with that.
Let’s back it up a decade or so. High school. 9th grade to be exact.
I was struggling to make friends and fit in. 600 or so kids in my grade, and I had maybe 2 friends. I was incredibly desperate to be liked.
I was recovering from a pretty shitty bullying experience in 8th grade. That had been my first year of public school, after being homeschooled most of my life.
I was so out of touch with social norms. I didn’t dress cool or understand how to “match” my outfits. Girls really didn’t like me much.
But boys did…and that seemed to be my only hope at having anyone like me.
9th grade was a whole new school and a whole new chance at becoming popular. At actually having friends. I paid close attention to how I was treated and what things led to me being deemed acceptable.
Early on, one thing became apparent. Boys liked how I looked. I had a big butt and big boobs, especially for a 14 year old. Turns out those were two assets that boys really cared about.
As far as the actual school part was concerned, I wasn’t doing great. I was in the lowest level math class, with 16 year old’s who were held back. I even had a math tutor to help me.
My struggle with math led me to believe I just wasn’t smart. I decided that didn’t matter anyways. Boys really didn’t seem concerned with that.
So I began developing a belief system: I am acceptable because of my looks. Mostly, my body. That’s actually almost all that I have to offer.
And a big, deeply rooted belief: Boys only like me for my body.
I remember thinking I must not be actually pretty, in my face. Because all anyone ever mentioned was my big butt and boobs. So that was really all I had going for me.
But that’s okay! That’s good enough. I mean, it’s what made Kim Kardashian so popular, right?!
At 16, one of my biggest ambitions was to make it into the new coolest place: Reality TV.
I still find the name hilarious. I mean, find me a Reality TV show that even remotely resembles reality.
Specifically, I wanted to be on The Bad Girls Club. Because that’s what I pictured I’d be like at 25. Slutty, trashy, hot, partying. I mean, where else do you picture yourself when you think you’re an unintelligent girl who’s only worth is her body?!
I somehow ended up at college, even if I may have chosen a school based on its reputation for partying.
And the cycle continued. I was searching for love and acceptance. I wanted so badly for a guy to actually like me.
I mean, I had several boyfriends in high school. But no one who actually cared about me. They were all just trying to get some.
But pretty soon I realized no guy would never actually like me. But maybe it wasn’t just me! Maybe men just didn’t actually have feelings. That must be it.
When I met my now husband Alex, things were a lot different. He wasn’t in a frat. Actually, he wasn’t even a student. He was an electrician, an actual grown up with an actual job. And he actually wanted to date me!
Still, I was convinced he liked me for my body. I mean, I didn’t have much else going for me. I was all but failing out of college…not that I really tried going to class and giving an effort..but why would I? I wasn’t even smart.
But you know what? I was okay with him only liking me for looks. At least I had that going for me. At least I had something.
Over the years, I started to believe that maybe he didn’t only like me for my appearance. And maybe, just maybe, he actually had feelings.
Self-Worth Struggle
You can imagine what happens to a girl who feels physical appearance is her only chance at love. Hell, maybe you’ve felt this way yourself.
Yep – you guessed it. She goes all in on her looks.
I became incredibly attached to makeup, tanning (okay, gave that one up after college), and exercising aggressively – but not so aggressively that I would lose my butt. Big concern there.
Not only was I obsessed with how I looked, I was obsessed with how everyone looked.
I was constantly comparing myself to other women, and competing for being the hottest. I didn’t know it at the time, but this led to a lot of anxiety and sadness, because I was separating myself from others.
That’s what competition does. It’s an Ego pattern meant to constantly remind us of where we stack up compared to others. Separating us. Keeping us from love and oneness.
Sure, I had a lot of outer confidence. People always told me that. I was outgoing, bubbly, determined, brave, well dressed. I developed public speaking skills through my work in sales and in management.
But I didn’t have a lot of inner confidence, real confidence. Because quite simply, I hadn’t yet learned to love myself at my s o u l level. Everything in my world was superficial.
I only liked myself because I liked who I had become. Physically fit, thriving career, and I even got my MBA so that I could finally prove I was worthy.
The thing is, none of that was who I was.
You see, who we are is not defined my our career choices, the house we live in, or owning a boat.
It has nothing to do with having style, this or that degree, or wealth.
Who we are is our essence.
Our soul. Underneath all the titles, labels, roles we play. Underneath physical appearance, our clothes, our material possessions.
Learning to become comfortable with who I am without any of those outer things has finally given me authentic confidence.
It’s given me joy, inner peace, and a sense of oneness with all that is.
It’s given me a divine connection to love.
And most importantly, it’s shown me the way to slow down and actually enjoy life, rather than racing from one achievement to the next.
Living with intention, purpose, and joy.
That is success.
Finding Your Authentic Self
So how do you get back to your soul?
How do you release placing your self-worth in someone else’s hands?
For me, it took a lot of deep inner work. I focused on identifying the Ego patterns that I was stuck in, such as perfectionism and people pleasing.
From there, I dug into where each belief came from. This way, I could start identifying the lies that they were.
I learned to identify which thoughts were my Ego, and how to let go of the overthinking that ensued.
Meditation and mindfulness also played a big role. This is how I learned to release the Ego thoughts, like judgement and comparison.
This is the foundation of what I do with my Spiritual Mentoring clients. We work through releasing patterns like overthinking, people pleasing, perfectionism and self-doubt.
We get to their root cause and gradually release them.
You can also join my free community: That Zen Life. I do weekly chats on mindfulness and spirituality. We also do guided meditations.
If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out. You will find a way back to your soul, and it doesn’t have to take long.
From my soul to yours,
Leah Pardee