The first time I discovered the concept that we all want to be pitied, I was reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, an incredible book that I highly recommend. This particular part discussed how everyone just wants our sympathy, and that we should allow them to have that in order to build relationships. According to Carnegie, people like people who attend their pity party and give them the sympathy they are seeking.
When I read this my thoughts went something like this, “Oh yeah, this totally makes sense. Most people are always complaining and probably do seek sympathy and will like the people who give it to them. But not me”.
Have you ever had a friend who was in a bad situation which they constantly complained about? Perhaps they were stuck in a job they hated, or in a bad relationship. As their friend, you offer sympathy and also advice. But when you suggest they make a change, they come up with all sorts of excuses. You can tell that these excuses aren’t real, but your friend can’t. These are their beliefs. Therefore, it is extremely difficult to get them to change their mind. We’ve all been there, and it is so easy to judge someone else for making excuses. If she wants to lose 20 pounds, why doesn’t she just start going to the gym? She says she doesn’t have time, but she posts 20 times a day on Facebook and knows all the best murder mystery shows on Netflix!
It is always easy to see when others are making excuses, but not so easy to identify in ourselves. That’s because we all believe our own excuses. We are protecting ourselves by making these excuses our beliefs. One of my personal favorites used to be, “If I reprimand this employee, they’re not going to like me – and what if they quit?” I am protecting myself when this thought comes to my head. In all reality, I’m trying to save myself from the uncomfortable and awkward conversation. I simply don’t want to have to call this person into my office and deal with it. I’m putting it off. I’m making an excuse.
Until we learn to identify these excuses and expose them for exactly what they are, we’ll be stuck living a life that is less than fearless. That is less than fierce. And we all do it. I also used to complain to everyone that I didn’t have time to work out. This one is a classic! Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard those words come out of your mouth. But I really believed this one. My work week consists of 55-60 hours when other people work 40. Boo hoo. As if there aren’t plenty of people working just as many hours, if not more, that manage to go the gym. I even knew many of those people. Yet somehow I was always successful in throwing myself a pity party. “I would LOVE to join a gym, I just don’t have time! I work SO much.”. In reality, I just didn’t want to go to the gym! I wanted pity for my hectic work schedule, even though I chose my job and career and could change it at any time. I just wanted to complain about it because everyone loves to complain.
There are many other reasons for excuses out there as well. Fear is a big one. We fear the unknown, we fear leaving our relationship, we fear making a job change. Sometimes it is the opinions of others that hold us back as well. Other times it’s just laziness and procrastination. We don’t want to commit. We’d rather sit around and mope about it than take action.
It’s time to decide we want it more than we are afraid of it.
So what are some excuses you have been making that are holding you back? That you’ve come to believe in? The first step is determining what those are.
- Write down what your perfect life would consist of. Do you have your same job? Same career path even? Where do you live in this vast world? Who are you in a relationship with, if anyone? What about your health habits?? Your income? What adventures would you be planning?
- Write down each step you would have to take in order to get that life. Does it involve additional education? Breaking a health habit? Planning a trip to Europe? Pushing yourself to go for a promotion?
- Following each of those steps, write down the excuse you’ve been telling yourself.
- Now let’s get to the real reason behind the excuse. Is it fear? Loneliness? What other people will think? Hurting the feelings of the person that you need to dump?
- Make a decision. Are we willing to give up this thing that our perfect life would consist of? Or are we willing to cast fear aside and make a change?
“In my perfect life, I’d be living in New York City. To get there, I’d have to apply to a lot of jobs and look for an apartment. My excuse is that I don’t want to take off work to go to job interviews. The real reason is that I am afraid. I’m afraid to take the plunge. I’m also too lazy to apply to enough jobs. I’d have to stop binge watching Netflix every evening and I don’t think I have the willpower for that…”
If you decide you are not willing to make this change in your life, that is fine. If you decide you are truly happy with the way things are, great. But we’ve got to accept our decision. That means we can no longer complain about it. In the NYC example, we have to stop complaining about our current living situation in small town USA. We have to cancel our pity party. We can’t continue to feel sorry for ourselves. We have to accept it and be happy with our choice, because that’s exactly what it is.
If you do determine a “perfect life” thing that you know would make you happier if you made a change – go for it. Let yourself be happy. Decide you want it more than you are afraid of it. Keep writing down additional steps it would take to get there and then go do them. Take the plunge into the unknown. Make yourself proud.
Decide you will stop allowing yourself to make excuses.